


Disappear Completely

by Bandity



Series: Disappear Completely [1]
Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: ARFID, Avoidant/Restrictive Food Intake Disorder, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, It's me so someone is going to puke, Lance (Voltron) is a Mess, Langst, PTSD mentioned in a vague sense, Panic Attacks, Self-Hatred, Vomit
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-21
Updated: 2017-04-21
Packaged: 2018-10-22 03:13:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,053
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10688613
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Bandity/pseuds/Bandity
Summary: Lance knew something was wrong with him. He thought it would pass on its own eventually, but as time went on, and the pain continued, he realized that something inside of him must be very broken.





	Disappear Completely

**Author's Note:**

> This is a gift for a friend. Hope you like it.
> 
> Sorry about any mistakes, I fix them as I find them.

 

Lance knew something was wrong with him. He thought it would pass on its own eventually, but as time went on, and the pain continued, he realized that something inside of him must be very broken.

It all started with a mission cut short due to his own stupidity. They had been doing reconnaissance on a little desert planet, looking for a Galra outpost that didn't seem to exist anymore. They had been hoping to find some useful information to help them in their ongoing war with the Galra Empire. Lance was checking out some caves on foot, the Blue lion was sitting and waiting for him just outside. He hadn’t been in the cave long when things took a turn for the worse.

"Don't get lost," Shiro had advised everyone beforehand and Lance had only grinned at his warning. Their leader was too protective sometimes.

Now that he was leaning against the wall of the cave, fighting through a strong wave of pain, he realized he probably should have paid more attention to Shiro, because all these walls looked the same and now that his vision blurred with sweat and the beginnings of tears, he found that he couldn't remember which way he had come from.

The pain was located in his midsection and it came with such a sudden ferocity that he must have impaled himself on some cave spike in the dim light. However, there was nothing there, just his tightening muscles contracting under his armor.

He could hear chatter from the others over the com-link, but he couldn't make out the words anymore. It wasn't until he recognized that his name was being repeated by several different voices that he realized they were calling for him… and they were starting to sound panicked.

Lance felt a flash of embarrassment and guilt grip at his heart, he was making them all worry for no reason. Just because he had gotten a stomach ache while getting a little lost in a cave.

"Who is closest to him?" He heard Shiro ask, alarm evident in his voice.

"I can make it to him." Pidge. _Great_. Pidge would find him being all pathetic and making a big deal out of nothing. He needed to say something to let them know he was alright.

“Nnn'fiss..." He struggled out. There was a moment of silence before the com-link exploded with the chatter of teammates who were now completely freaking out.

"Was that him?"

"Is he alright?"

"Lance can you hear me? What is your situation? Are you hurt?"

"Lance, I'm coming to get you right now."

He really meant to reply, but all he did was let out something of a moan as he slid to the cave floor. It just hurt so much. The voices were resounding loudly in his head and that just made it all so much worse. He was scaring them. In frustration he slid the helmet off of his head, maybe if he could just cool down, maybe the pain would stop then.

He imagined Blue outside waiting for him and he distantly thought that the lion was worried for him too. The feeling felt something like cool drops of water sliding down his throat and he thought he felt the barest moment of relief.

He wiped at his eyes, attempting to clear them, but it didn't seem to help. Sweat poured from his forehead and mixed with the dirt that he was now pressing his face into. Maybe he was dying. It felt a little like dying... At least in the relative experience he had had with near death experiences. He inhaled deeply and was rewarded with a mouth full of dirt and small rocks. Immediately he coughed, hard and sudden. He gagged and soon he was retching, throwing up his breakfast. He turned his head to the side, because he actually wasn't a complete idiot, and heaved hard. From his helmet he thought he heard the chatter increase, but he almost didn't care about it now.

Gingerly, he curled in on himself and waited for the waves of pain to stop. If he could just rest for a moment, maybe it would go away... _Go away. Go away._

Small hands were on him and he cringed at the intrusion. He heard his name being repeated as the sweat was wiped away and he was pulled into a sitting position. He clenched his teeth against the pain the movement caused, but he must have still cried out because the hands went still and he heard a voice speaking desperately into his ear.

Pidge. He was scaring Pidge.

"S'rry" Lance muttered, but Pidge made something like a scoffing noise.

"Why are you apologizing? Just hang on a second... Hunk, are you close?" Pidge was now on the com again, absently running fingers through Lance's sweaty hair. "We're going to need you here. I don't think he can walk."

Lance had enough presence of mind to feel mortified. Of course he could walk! As if to prove it, Lance forced his feet underneath him and... Fell forward on his face. Actually, Pidge was able to keep him from face planting into a rock, which was great because he enjoys the way his features are arranged. Still, he groaned at the movement and wondered if he was going to throw up again.

Through Pidge’s headset, Lance could hear the stern voice of Shiro, obviously upset that Lance was severely altering their mission.

"Everyone needs to stop talking at the same time!" Pidge shouted, sounding on the verge of panic. "OK. Lance, what hurts? Did you fall? Did... I'm asking right now, hang on, did you get too warm? Were you feeling sick before we got here?"

"Stomach," Lance managed. He figured the others were going to lose it over Lance having a tummy ache. They would probably not let him hear the end of it. He could only imagine what their faces must look like right now.

Pidge's hands were quickly undoing Lance's armor and he soon found that he was left feeling incredibly exposed as Pidge started proding at his abdomen. That hurt! He swiped at the small invasive hands.        

"Alright, alright. I'm sorry. I thought you might be injured."

"Pidge," He gasped out and now his eyes were really watering because he realized how pathetic he sounded.

"Lance, listen. They're asking me how long you've been sick. Were you sick this morning? Before we left?"

Lance paused here. He had eaten something quickly, not really knowing what it was and being too used to space goo or whatever Hunk had managed to cook up using their supplies to really question it.

Lance shook his head. Though, maybe that nervous sensation he had felt earlier, wasn't just pre mission nerves. Maybe it hadn't been only the permeating heat of the planet that had made his skin itch and the sweat form on his brow. He just hadn't noticed it until he had found his way into the caves and then it was just dark and he was met with surprisingly cold air and the realization of an insistent pain coming from his gut. Once he realized it was there, it had hit him hard and had him doubling over, unable to walk.

"Dunno," Lance managed and Pidge was giving him a pitying look.

"We're not far in, Hunk. Take a right and then an immediate left."

Lance was embarrassed again. He wasn’t as lost as he thought, the entrance was just around the corner. How long had he been there alone? Probably not long at all. It meant this mission was falling apart just as it was starting and it was all his fault.

Hunk was soon lifting him from the ground and he couldn't help the moan of pain that escaped him. Why was this happening? It didn't make any sense.

The motion of being carried hurt and it set his stomach reeling. He was throwing up again without warning, but Hunk didn't shy away or drop him, he just kept up his quiet assurances.

"Don't worry about it. You know I'm used to it. It's OK, I don't care. You're going to be fine."

Lance then noticed that he had been muttering apologies under his breath and Hunk was attempting to placate him.

"Think I'm dying." Lance mumbled into Hunk's shoulder. His friend's grip tightened around him, but Hunk didn't respond.

"You're going to be fine," Pidge's voice didn't sound very confident at all.

 

* * *

 

 

Decontamination was a rushed process with Lance being supported by both Hunk and Shiro as well.

Afterwards, Lance was immediately taken to the med bay, where he was surrounded by all of his well-meaning teammates, Coran and Allura. Coran prodded at him and asked him too many questions.

"What did you eat?”

"Did anything taste off to you?"

"When did you first feel sick?”

"Has this ever happened before?”

"Are you allergic to anything?"

Lance screwed up his face at that. He wasn't really allergic to anything on earth, but... Was it possible to have allergies to alien food? Space allergies? How would he know?

Hunk had compiled a list of everything that had been used in their breakfast and presented it to Coran.

"It can't be food poisoning. We all ate the same thing." Shiro provided.

Coran reviewed Hunk's list.

"Is this your first time using tranocil?" Coran asked.

"Is that the purple dandelion looking plant?" Hunk tilted his head quizzically.

"Dandelion?" Coran echoed curiously, "I suppose so, yes...Ah," Coran stated.

The rest of the group leaned in expectantly, but Coran shared a troubled look with Allura before pulling at his moustache in thought.

"What? What does that mean?" Pidge, sounding irritated and a little nervous.

"Well... Tranocil is a very popular herb, but it is known to cause quite a severe reaction to a select few. It's not very common, but it does happen."

Space allergies.

He had severe space allergies.

"What do we do?" Shiro asked, always the one making a plan of action.

"Well, if he is done expelling his stomach contents, best to pop him in a healing pod before he dehydrates or his airways close up."

Lance was still processing ‘airways close up’ when Shiro was picking him up and carrying him. Lance wanted to protest. He wanted a moment to prepare himself and he tried to tell Shiro, but Shiro just shushed him.

"Shhhh... It's going to be alright. You’ll be alright."

"He'll be fine in a day. Might still feel a bit queasy afterwards though." Coran prattled on, but Lance didn't listen. He felt so out of it. Why did everything feel so far away?

This morning had started so normal and now he was being put back in that pod and the idea of the forced unconsciousness bothered him. He just wanted the pain to stop, he tried to tell Shiro, but the pain overtook him and before he knew it, he was flooded with a sudden cooling sensation and then there was nothing.

* * *

 

When Lance awoke, there were familiar faces all around him. He gave them a shaky grin because that is what they expected and that is what they needed to see from him. There was a collective sigh of relief from everyone. He was given a few pats on the back and a slightly teary eyed Hunk gave him a large hug.

"I am so sorry that I almost killed you with my cooking," Hunk lamented.  

"Not your fault, at least it tasted good. If I had to pick, it's not a bad way to go out."

It was a bit morbid, but it was a joke and they grinned at him because of it.

"I mean, we face Galra battleships and dangerous stuff all the time. But, y'know, beware the purple dandelions, that's what's really out to get you."

Hunk laughed and clapped Lance on the back too hard. Lance smiled through it, even as it sent a jarring pain through his stomach.

"That's not funny, Lance." Pidge cut in. Everyone turned to look at the smallest paladin, the tenseness of the situation coming back in full force.

"Oh, Pidge,” Lance rubbed the back of his head and look abashed. “Sorry you had to deal with me when I got sick like that. It must have been a hassle..."

"It wasn't a hassle. It was..." Pidge trailed off. "I gotta go work on some stuff." And just like that, Pidge was making a hasty exit.

"Wait, what did I say?" Lance asked and he looked around the group desperately.

"You scared Pidge when you almost died on the planet." Keith said blatantly. Keith, who could be so observant, but didn't seem to quite understand when situations required delicate handling. Everyone shifted around awkwardly.

"Try talking to Pidge in a little while… We were all worried for you." Shiro finally said. "We're glad you're better. It wasn't fun for any of us. We'll be more careful in the future."

Lance smiled brightly.

"Yeah, I don't plan on doing that ever again."

Soon they were all walking to the training deck and Hunk was filling him in on what he had missed. Lance nodded and laughed, everything was back to normal again.

He resolutely ignored the dull ache that throbbed in his abdomen.

He was fine.

* * *

 

Lance approached Pidge tentatively with a careful grin in place. This area had been designated as Pidge's workstation, though Lance didn't know what its title had been before. Some sort of storage space, maybe? Pidge was working on something at the desk, ignoring the intrusion at first.

"Can I help?" Lance asked out of the blue. Pidge actually let out a huff of laughter. Tech like this wasn't Lance's thing and they both knew about the time with the toaster and the noodles. Lance grinned more broadly as Pidge smiled slightly.  He hopped up onto some spare space on the tabletop. Pidge shifted over, allowing Lance more room.

"Hey Pidge, I really am sorry,” Lance said after a moment.

"Don't. Stop apologizing. It wasn't your fault."

"Well... Hunk told me to say 'thanks' instead of sorry. But I am sorry... for worrying you."

Pidge sighed.

"Alright," Pidge finally acquiesced. "You’re forgiven; promise not to do it again?" Pidge smiled and the tenseness in the room lifted completely.

"Promise!" Lance made a show of crossing his heart and Pidge gave him an eye roll.

"So what are you working on?”

Pidge smiled and launched into an explanation that Lance could barely understand.

Lance ignored the way his stomach twinged in discomfort the entire time.

* * *

 

It was Lance's first meal after the space allergy incident and as he eyed what he supposed was the equivalent of rice in a light broth, his stomach churned.

He had been told to take it easy and, also, they were going to be implementing some new rules. Allura announced that they were going to monitor any new ingredients and that, after eating, they would wait for the equivalent of a half hour before going on missions. Just to make absolute sure that nobody would react badly to any of the food. If they were in a rush, space goo was always an option since it had never caused anyone a life threatening reaction.

"Nothing to worry about," Coran announced when he saw the way Lance was eyeing his bowl.

"Nothing new today for you. Also, it's a family recipe. Perfect for when one's stomach has been under attack."

"It's bland." Hunk provided, and he seemed personally offended by the lack of taste.

Lance smiled and moved the granules around in the broth.

"I'm sure it's fine."

Everyone began eating and Lance made light conversation. He joked and laughed and talked about possible training exercises. It was going well.

"Lance, are you going to eat?"

But then there was that. Lance looked up to see Shiro giving him a firm look. The room seemed to go quiet as everyone turned to look at Lance. He had moved his food around and smashed it down, but he had not taken a single bite.

"Oh, uh... I'm just not feeling that hungry, I guess."

"Understandable. Considering that reaction you had. That might have been the worst case of tranocil sensitivity I've ever seen." Coran then continued to expound upon the worst food reactions he had experienced and Lance quickly excused himself from the table.

He made his way to his room and stretched out on his bed. He sighed and rubbed absently at his stomach. It wasn't exactly _painful_ anymore, but it seemed to be flipping around. The idea of eating, even if it was something bland, set him on edge.

They said it was safe, but how can they even know that for sure? Nobody had expected him to have an allergy before and he had almost died. It was excruciatingly painful and the thought that he might have to experience something like that again brought on a real fear inside of him. It twisted about in his gut and settled there. He just couldn't stand to eat anything right now, not when the memory of that pain was still so close. Lance took a deep breath and shut his eyes. Maybe he would sleep for a while and then he would feel better when he woke up.

Lance ignored the way his stomach rumbled as he fell into a light sleep.

* * *

 

Lance wasn't at breakfast the next morning and when Shiro went to look for him, he wasn't in his room either.  A preliminary search didn't turn up anything and it wasn't until Shiro decided to check the Lions' hangar that he had any luck.

Lance was sitting perched on one of Blue's giant paws, he was speaking quietly and Shiro felt like he was interrupting something between the lion and paladin.

"Hey," Shiro called softly. Lance looked up, startled that he wasn't alone anymore.

"Hey," Lance echoed.

"You weren't at breakfast." Shiro said after a moment. Lance looked away and then back at Shiro with a grin that he hoped looked genuine.

"I woke up early. I had some space goo before anyone else was up."

"Are you sure you're feeling alright? You look pale." Shiro had entered protective mode and Lance was going to have to find the perfect thing to say to put his mind at ease.

"I'm fine, just a little tired, I'm not used to waking up early. Not sleeping is bad for your skin."

"Why were you up so early then? Couldn't you sleep?"

 _Damnit_. Why couldn't he just drop it?

"I just thought I should spend some time with Blue. Our connection is important you know? And we haven't seen each other in ages."

It wasn't a lie, he had been wanting to visit his lion since he woke up. The moment he had regained consciousness he had felt like he needed to check in with Blue, as though he knew that she wanted to see for herself that Lance was alright. As soon as he had walked into the hanger, he had felt a sense of relief wash over him. When he felt that, he had curled himself up on one of her paws and talked quietly, feeling calm in Blue's protective presence.

Lance grinned at Shiro until he smiled back.

"I'm sure Blue is glad you're feeling better."

Lance nodded enthusiastically.

"When you're done, you should come up. We're going to go through some training exercises."

"Be there in a few ticks." Lance smiled brighter and Shiro left with a nod.

Once he was gone, Lance sighed and gazed up at his lion.

"You can keep a secret right? I just don't want him to worry. It's not something he needs to worry about."  Lance thought he felt the slightest sensation of concern brush against his mind.

"Aw, you don't need to worry either. I'll be fine."

 

* * *

 

The days would pass and Lance just never fell back into the meal routine with the others. He was never present at the table anymore, claiming to be tired or just not hungry.

Nobody seemed to know what was going on with him.

Hunk tried to keep track of him, encouraging him to try the dishes he invented in the kitchen or enthusiastically inviting him to come eat lunch with everyone. But Lance always found a way to postpone or avoid it. Hunk handed him a biscuit in the hallway once and requested that Lance give it a try. Lance had responded saying he would eat it later, after training.

He never ate it.

Hunk had begun to really worry, but Lance insisted he was fine. Over and over again he said he was fine. Hunk remained unconvinced, but he took a step back, thinking he might be pushing his friend too much.

Finally, one day they were sparring and Lance had been reacting slowly all day. Lance himself had laughed and made it sound as if he was purposefully not taking the exercise seriously. But then Keith was facing him and instead of starting the round, Keith turned away from Lance and looked to Shiro instead.

"I'm not fighting him. He's hurt," Keith announced to the whole room. Shiro had been watching Lance already, but now he turned his whole attention to him. Lance was standing there, panting too hard and sweating too much. It then dawned on Shiro that Lance had lost weight. He had always been kind of lanky, but now his face had thinned, he looked gaunt.

"I'm not hurt." Lance stated, looking irritated and.... Fearful?

A quick smirk and the fear was gone, replaced by that showy arrogance that Lance portrayed so often.

"Are you scared to fight me now? Scared to lose?" Lance taunted. Keith gave him a dead pan expression and shook his head.

"No. You look awful. What's wrong with you?" Keith looked at Shiro again. "What's wrong with him?"

"Nothing is wrong with me!" And there was a bit of venom in his voice that Lance never had before.

"Lance! Keith! Take a break.” Shiro intervened quickly now, trying to stop the fight before it got started. “Lance, walk with me." Shiro left the room and, after looking around to see everyone staring at him, Lance stormed after him.

They walked for a long time, until Lance's irritation had worn off and was replaced by curiosity. Where were they going anyway?

Finally, they arrived at the observation deck and Shiro sat down heavily in the middle of the floor.

"Sit," Shiro commanded and Lance did as he was told. "What is going on, Lance?”

"Nothing."

" _Are_ you hurt?"

"No, Keith is being dumb."

"Lance...” Shiro had that warning tone again. “Are you sick?"

"No, I'm fine."

"What did you eat today?"

"I... Just had some space goo."

Shiro studied him for a moment before speaking again.

"Coran had to restart the system for the kitchen last night. Nothing was working this morning and you weren't at breakfast."

Lance didn't have a response for that; instead he stared off at the middle distance as he tried to come up with a convincing story.

"Lance," Shiro tried again. "What are you doing? Lying isn't like you."

Lance set his jaw firmly and Shiro was surprised to see tears beginning to form in the younger boy's eyes.

"Lance, when was the last time you ate?"

"Um," Lance swiped at his face, "maybe like two days ago. I'm just not hungry." Lance sounded like he choked on the last word and several tears managed to escape down his cheeks. There had been a pressure building up in his chest and now he thought it might be tearing him apart. Lance was breaking down.

"Alright, hey, it's alright," Shiro had carefully placed his arm around Lance's shoulders. "Is it because of your allergy? We're all being really careful with the food now. You don't need to worry about it. Hunk and Coran went through the whole place and got rid of all the tranocil."

"My stomach hurts," Lance screwed his eyes shut. He had been so careful to keep it to himself, to not worry them, but now he had just blabbed one of his secrets like it was nothing.

"Your stomach hurts? Your stomach _still_ hurts? Lance! You should have said something!" Shiro was now looking around as if expecting a plan of action to appear before him. "Come on, we'll go talk to Coran. We'll get you looked at." Shiro stood and pulled Lance up with him. The sooner they could get this taken care of, the better.

They walked briskly through the castle, Shiro finding comfort in action. While they walked, Lance couldn't help but notice how relieved Shiro looked. He was so grateful that Lance's problem was so small, so simple, so easily fixed.

As Lance fell into step behind his leader he felt the sense of dread that settled in his stomach and told him that Shiro was wrong.

* * *

 

Lance was perfectly healthy... Well aside for the fact that he had lost too much weight in a short span of time. Coran nodded and listened as Shiro explained that Lance still hurt. Coran continued nodding along, but something in the way he was looking at Lance seemed a bit off, as if Lance and he were sharing a secret code.

"So you really can't find anything wrong?" Shiro asked with a raised eyebrow.

"No, but I _can_ tell you that his immune system is weakened by not eating. It's only a matter of time before he comes down with something. A lot of bacteria are opportunistic that way."

"Well maybe it's some kind of damage that wasn't fixed by the healing pod."

"That's highly unlikely."

"Well, could he be allergic to something else?"

"Lance," Coran turned to the boy now, "You’re not going to get sick again. You are safe to eat what we give you. You know that right?"

Lance shifted uncomfortably, he avoided Coran’s gaze and picked at a hangnail.

"I know, I just... Wasn't hungry."

"Lance," Coran took a deep breath, "The food is safe. I promise."

Lance stared down at his hands, but he gave a small nod to show he understood.

"Fantastic! Alright why don't you go rest up and we will reconvene at dinner time."

Lance hopped off the table he was perched on and started to shuffle out of the room, Shiro began to follow, but Coran called him back. Once Lance had left, Coran let out a deep sigh and crossed his arms.

"Coran, are you sure? He does seem like he's in pain and-”

"Shiro, it's in his mind."

"What?"

"Look, he has every right to be traumatized by what happened, but it is only in his mind. There is nothing physically wrong with him."

"You didn't tell him that."

"Because it would be discrediting his feelings, if he says his stomach hurts, I believe him, but I also believe it's his own thoughts doing that to him."

Coran clapped Shiro on the back, "We’ll get some food into him. Hopefully once he realizes that it's not going to hurt him, he will be on the mend again."

Shiro had nodded, but he wasn't sure if he agreed with the assessment, he knew how deep some pains could run. If Lance was disturbed enough to starve himself, then this could be more difficult than they thought.

"He'll be fine. Lance is resilient after all."

Shiro nodded, it was true. Lance was incredibly resilient. Maybe Coran was right.

* * *

 

Dinner time was quickly approaching and in an act of desperation, Lance hid himself away. Sitting in the pilot's seat of Blue, he talked and talked until he ran out of things to say and his mouth had gone completely dry. In the quiet that followed, he felt reassurance flutter on the edges of his mind and he exhaled, feeling a bit more at ease.

Before he could talk himself out of it, he was up and making his way to the dining hall. It was just dinner. Food. Lance liked food. He was being stupid and ridiculous and a coward by avoiding it.

When he entered the room it seemed as though everyone went quiet. He was last to arrive and it was obvious that they had been talking about him. He sat and was presented with a bowl of something that looked like it could be oatmeal with some kind of fruit on top. Before he could think too much about it, he shoved a spoonful of the goop into his mouth and tried not to notice the sigh of relief that everyone in the room gave.

Lance felt annoyed, but he managed to keep a neutral expression as he continued to force alien oatmeal down his throat. Saliva must make it all clump together, because it settled like a rock in his stomach. Lance forced a grin for the sake of the others and continued to eat. Conversation had started up and Lance nodded along like he was listening and not distracted by the nausea that had started to build up. He laughed at a joke and hid the wince of discomfort. He took a moment to study his bowl and realized he had only gotten halfway through.

This was horrible. He thought if he ate one more bite it would all come back again. Meals were prepared so much more carefully now, but how could anyone know if it was really safe? They didn't know. They didn't know and he was so unsettled by that fact that he pushed the bowl away suddenly. A wave of homesickness overtook him then. Back home, he wasn't allergic to any food. His mother wouldn't have made anything that would have made him so sick. At the thought of his family, he felt the edges of his happy outer mask crack.

He hated almost dying over something so simple and stupid and he hated that he missed home and he hated the food here and as he looked around and saw Pidge giving him a worried look, Lance hated himself the most. He worried his team and he scared them all and if they needed to form Voltron at this instant Lance knew they wouldn't be able to and it was his fault.

Before he knew what was happening he was up and out of his chair and heading out the door. Shiro called after him, but that just made him pick up speed. His mind raced with possible hiding spots where he could go to collect himself, but all the usual places were spots that Shiro or Hunk could easily find him. Unfortunately, he didn't have time to think about it because he had only made it around the first corner when he realized that his vision seemed to be tunneling. He stumbled, caught himself against the wall and fought against an onslaught of nausea. Dark spots danced in front of his eyes and the pain in his gut sharpened and, before he could do anything, he was throwing up his meager meal onto the floor.

Lance dropped to his knees as he heaved. Panic began to overtake him. What if it was happening again? What if it was a reaction to something else? He couldn't tell if the tears that sprang to his eyes were due to the strain of vomiting or brought on by the pure fear that was grasping his heart and causing his lungs to freeze up.

He remembered Coran talking about his airways closing and Lance scrabbled at his neck, tapped his chest, trying to feel if there was any difference. He tapped hard over his heart, using the sensation to try and ground himself, remind himself that he was still there in a hallway and that he needed to get up because nothing was more pathetic than kneeling alone in your own vomit while fighting off the certainty of death.

Again, he didn't make it far before there was an arm on his shoulder and someone was speaking quietly to him. Through blurred eyes, Lance saw Hunk kneeling in front of him, but he realized the voice he heard was Shiro. He was saying something about breathing... Take slow deep breaths.

Lance took one shuddering breath and held onto it until his lungs burned.

"Breathe out," Shiro said firmly and Lance exhaled shakily.

"In."

Lance followed the instructions, but as his breathing was slowly brought under his control, he realized how dizzy he felt and his head pounded terribly. The sensation made him shut his eyes tightly. He became aware of someone wiping at his face with a cloth and he flinched away, but the person was persistent.  

"It's alright my boy, let's just get you cleaned up a bit." Coran had taken Shiro's place and was being as non-threatening as possible, setting his fingers on Lance's neck and taking his pulse.

"Hunk is going to carry you now, is that alright?" Shiro spoke from somewhere behind him. Lance didn't make any kind of protest, so they took it as permission and Hunk had pulled him into his arms without delay.

"Do you got him?" Pidge sounded nervous and on edge, Lance didn't like it, it made him feel like he should be doing something to help.

"Yeah," Hunk responded, sounding too serious. "He's not heavy."

Lance had never been heavy really and now he was noticeably lighter than he had ever been.

"Sorry." Lance finally managed to force out and it hurt his sore throat to say it, but he needed to, he needed to apologize for so much...

"Don't, man. It's alright. It's going to be alright.” Hunk’s voice sounded as though he was fighting off tears of his own.

Hunk sounded like he didn’t believe his own words.

* * *

 

They talked about putting him in a healing pod again. At least that way his body would be nourished and taken care of while they made plans for his recovery.

"Healing pod won't fix his brain," Keith interrupted the discussion.

"Keith," Shiro warned, letting the younger boy know that he was on the edge of insensitivity again. Keith bristled at that.

"You know it won't, Shiro. So there's no point in forcing him, he didn't even want to go in there the last time he had to."

 _Huh, weird_ , Lance thought absently, so Keith had noticed how disturbed he was by it the last time.

The conversation stilled and everyone was looking at Lance with varying degrees of worry. Lance had been content to lay there on the exam cot and pretend this wasn't happening, but it seemed he was now being brought into the conversation.

"I'm not doing it on purpose." He wanted them to understand that, he needed them to understand.

"We know," Shiro quickly said. "We know it's not on purpose."

"Something is wrong. I'm not just imagining it,” Lance insisted.

"I believe you. We believe you,” Shiro assured him.

"He said my brain needs to be fixed," Lance looked at Keith accusingly and he didn’t care if he sounded like a snot nosed brat. Keith was being a jerk on purpose.  

"Not fixed exactly,” Keith amended.

"You think it's in my head,” Lance’s voice cracked at the end and he hated how desperate it made him sound.

"Lance,” Shiro cut in, stepping in front of Keith, “Even if it's a mental thing, that doesn't make it less real for you. Alright? I understand. We understand. Nobody thinks you're just making things up."

Lance looked around at them all and he was met with faces of concern, but nobody seemed to look like they thought he was lying.

"Alright," Lance finally whispered.

"Alright," Shiro echoed.  

They only spoke for a few more minutes before Shiro ordered everyone out to allow Lance to rest. Shiro sat beside the cot and took the first 'Lance Watch.' Lance was too tired now to feel embarrassed, so he figured he would let Shiro watch over him without complaint. Though he didn't understand it, Lance wasn't going to do anything that would warrant him needing to be watched. Shiro chuckled dryly.

"Think of it as more of for my _own_ peace of mind."

Lance blinked, realizing he had actually spoken his grievance aloud. Lance hummed and slowly let his eyes fall closed. He hadn't been doing much all day, but he still felt an extreme exhaustion.

Being a burden to everyone turned out to be much more tiring than it should have been.

* * *

 

Things were far from perfect, but little by little they became less terrible. Lance had something of a buddy system forced on him and they had to eat meals together. Even if the meal was just a bite of space goo, Lance needed to eat something. Lance had been noncompliant at first, but then, Coran had talked about creating a feeding tube for him. Lance forced down half of his breakfast that morning. Not eating just wasn't an option anymore. Not if they were going to keep forming Voltron and defending the universe... Not if they wanted to keep Lance.

Eventually, they began having picnics in the hanger with Lance perched on top of one of Blue's paws. It was the only place Lance found that he felt comfortable and calm enough to eat more than a few bites. They took turns eating with him, finding that sharing meals with everyone all at once seemed to make him more nervous.

"Everyone stares," Lance explained to Shiro one day. Shiro had nodded in understanding and did his best not to overwhelm Lance with too many people at mealtime.

Everyone found their own way to coax Lance to eat more. Shiro provided constant encouragement and Hunk was enthusiastically trying different recipes he thought Lance might like. Pidge was banned from spending meals alone with Lance because Pidge, it turned out, was a terrible example of proper eating habits. Pidge was nearly as bad about keeping a set eating schedule as Lance was. They both went through an entire lunch hour without eating anything because Pidge spent the whole time talking excitedly about the new, sturdier shield being installed on the Green lion. When Shiro checked in on them he was incredibly unamused, and so the new rule was that Pidge was no longer given meal duty alone.

Even though he was eating something at every meal, it still wasn't much. It was the way Lance didn't put any of the weight back on and the way that he got dizzy when he stood up too fast that really wore on all their minds. Lance was surviving, but he wasn't enjoying things as much anymore. Something needed to happen, but nobody knew what.

It was actually Keith who instigated a turning point for Lance. It was Keith's turn on Lance Watch and they were sitting in the hangar, staring at their food, neither of them eating. Lance took a hesitant bite of some kind of muffin and only then did Keith take a bite of his food. The awkward silence continued for a few minutes before Lance threw his arms up in frustration.  

"Why aren't you eating?" Lance asked, exasperated.

"I'll eat if you do,” Keith answered simply. Lance stared at him for a moment.

"That's not fair."

"Why not?"  Keith shot back.

"Because I _can't_."

"Then I can't either, I guess." Keith sat the muffin down that he had been holding.

"You can’t just…You need to eat!”

"So do you!" And Keith seemed angry now. It made Lance glare at him.

"I'm not doing it on purpose,” Lance hissed.

"I know,” Keith’s expression softened, “your brain is just a little broken."

"It's not. I'm not." Lance tossed a spoon that Keith easily dodged.

"You don't have to be this upset about it.” Keith waved his arms in the air, motioning to everything around them. “Everyone on this team is a little broken."

Lance narrowed his eyes at Keith and the other boy crossed his arms.

"Look,” Keith took a deep breath. “I don't understand what you are going through. When I was younger I... I hoarded food and water in my room. It was something I did for... comfort I guess _. I don't do it anymore_ , but my point is... Everyone is kind of messed up. You don't have to feel this bad or… alone."

Lance processed that for a moment and he suddenly felt bad for being so angry at Keith. The other boy was trying to help, in his own way.

"Alright," Lance whispered. Keith nodded and then motioned to the food in front of them.  

"So I'm not going to eat unless you do." Keith knew that Lance wouldn't be responsible for anyone else not getting to eat. So this plan had to work.

After what felt like an eternity, Lance began tearing off pieces of bread and chewing them slowly. Keith nodded and followed suit. Lance would always do anything for them. That hadn't changed. He would always do everything he possibly could to keep them safe, to keep them happy.

* * *

 

They were celebrating a job well done, a victory against a Galra fleet, and for the first time in a long time, they were all sitting down to eat together. Everyone was so caught up in the feeling of victory that nobody was thinking of being careful. It wasn't until they were all sat around the table that everyone looked at Lance at the same time. There was the dawning realization that eating altogether was an unusual event now.

Keith cleared his throat, cutting through the silence and motioned pointedly at the feast before them.

"After you," Keith muttered. Lance hesitated slightly before pushing some food onto his plate, he then handed the serving dish across the table to Keith.

Everyone broke into conversation at the same time, the nervous atmosphere lifting from the room. Lance began taking careful bites and Keith mirrored him.

Shiro caught Lance's eye in the middle of the dinner and Shiro nodded, smiling gently. Lance returned the smile. It was still edged with sadness and maybe it was a little broken, but it was bright and it was honest.

He was going to be alright.

 

**Author's Note:**

> This is not the FMA fic I was supposed to be writing. I am sorry about that. 
> 
> The title is apparently from How to Disappear Completely by Radiohead. It was just what came to mind while I was writing it. 
> 
> Please accept my humble (and kind of lengthy) offering, Voltron fandom. This is my first time writing something for this fandom, so I hope it was alright. I am planning on a continuation of this, but it will be a little wait.
> 
> For Alex, until we meet again on the other side of the gate.


End file.
